The Long Road Home
(after losing my son)

Sole Sister: SALMA
Wife/ Mother/Health Plan Admin/Activist/Blogger
Toronto, Canada

it is the day of my graduation
i spent hours walking up and down Yonge street
looking for the right pair of shoes
i must find something to wear
something stylish 

i'm in no mood for celebrations
i was sure he'd be here
looking past the sea of faces 

silence nags and teases cruelly
while aisles are filled with secret rendezvous between hope and despair
why should I spin the globe of my soul to attempt
to understand these matters?

the road home has been more bumpy than smooth
my burden heavier than I remember it being at the start
where can I find a room
where can i hide?

i'd like to
soak and rest my feet
to empty the  thoughts that I have carelessly let fall from the cloud of despair
the things of the world
all new and refreshing
leading to the path of blazing innocence
and selfish strife

let me rest my head
and tell of tales woven in ditches and roadsides
let me whistle into the clean air
unpolluted from thoughts and tears
let me guard the cave of my loneliness
as I yield to my wordless therapy

let me
for goodness sake
let me let myself be happy
let me question and use these unfocused eyes
and curl the truth upon my tongue as I betray my senses

let me sing a sweet gypsy song
and hum melodies of the unknown
all the while

let me meet the foreignness of my cowardly ruin
where I will never find solace

let me ask
and ask again
how bitter the truth must taste
as it is chewed 
swallowed and 
regurgitated into the rhythm of the unknown

how I so wish
I had a room of my own
where I could climb enlightenment's naked branch
and pluck truth from its place

for now i will walk

even if in circles
even if on a tight-rope of despair
i must continue on my path
until i am free of the weight that I carried in my womb
the weight that materialized
into nothingness

degree in hand
blaring lights shout out from below their hooded covers
hand shakes left and right
it's done
steve walks with me across the stage
i'm glad i brought him along
he keeps me steady
and helps me find the side-road that will take me into the unknown

~ 9 Beautiful footprints: ~

Elspeth says:
at: Tuesday, March 16, 2010 said...

You deserve those SMs.

at: Tuesday, March 16, 2010 said...

beuatifully written Salma. I can imagine you in that shoe store, and up on that podium.

I miss Hussein too.

Salma says:
at: Tuesday, March 16, 2010 said...

Elspeth~ I definitely see my SMs differently after this post, LOL.

Heba~ Thanks sis.

JamericanSpice says:
at: Tuesday, March 16, 2010 said...

Wow. A well-worth reading story.

Congratulations. You do inspire me! I myself want to go back to college and get my degree but wonder how it will be done with two...and wanting more.

My condolences to you too. *HUGS*

Salma says:
at: Wednesday, March 17, 2010 said...

Thanks so much, all I think about is the fact that my girls saw me do it, and they saw a bit of the struggle.

You can do it, and you will.

American Muslima Writer says:
at: Wednesday, March 17, 2010 said...

I love the theme and topics of your blog. Masha'Allah.

Alhamdulillah Hussain is viewing Jannah and is at peace. Alhamdulillah you got through this great trial and give us all encouragement to get through ours.

Thank you for this touching story.
It means a lot to me.

Salma says:
at: Wednesday, March 17, 2010 said...

Thanks sis, I am happy that I wrote this down.

at: Tuesday, March 23, 2010 said...

What a beautiful story. I enjoyed learning more about your past. Plus I had never heard of SMs before now.

Salma says:
at: Monday, March 29, 2010 said...

Kelly,I felt kind of weird writing about it and hubby read it and then I don't know it was just overwhelming putting it out there. Then I just let I am ...all of me and my SMs LOL.

Copyright 2010 The Sole Sisters Collective Blog & its contributors. All photos belong to the contributors, unless otherwise stated.




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