The Long Road Home
(after losing my son)

Sole Sister: SALMA
Wife/ Mother/Health Plan Admin/Activist/Blogger
Toronto, Canada

it is the day of my graduation
i spent hours walking up and down yonge street
looking for the right pair of shoes
i must find something to wear
something stylish 

i spot a pair of steve maddens and i'm overjoyed
they will go perfectly with my abaya
i cross my fingers as i ask the clerk for a pair in my size
she tells me they are some of the most sought-after shoes
and i can't help but kinda sorta rolling my eyes thinking, "they all say that"

i'm in no mood for celebrations
i was sure he'd be here
there 
looking past the sea of faces 
looking for me

you see i had this picture in my head
a picture that didn't include grief and loss
i am actually at a loss
...how did i get here?

grief is lonely
grief is deafening
grief is silence
silence nags and teases cruelly, there's no peace in IT

all around me
aisles fill with people moving on...moving up...(simply) moving
me? i don't move
i don't buy into the whole charade of pretending


the road home has been more bumpy than smooth
my burden heavier than I remember 
sitting waiting for my name to be called i feel sick
i'd like to empty the  thoughts that I have carelessly let fall from the cloud of despair
all the things in the world that reminds me of him


suddenly i simply want to rest my head
and tell of tales woven in ditches and roadsides
i want to whistle into the clean air
unpolluted from thoughts and tears

i think about my son
he should have been here
he should be alive

for now i will walk

even if in circles
even if on a tight-rope of despair
i must continue on my path
until i am free of the weight that I carried in my womb
the weight that materialized
into nothingness

degree in hand
blaring lights shout from below their hooded covers
hand shakes left and right
it's done
steve walks with me across the stage
i'm glad i brought him along
he keeps me steady
and helps me find the side-road that will take me into the unknown



~ 9 Beautiful footprints: ~

Elspeth says:
at: Tuesday, March 16, 2010 said...

You deserve those SMs.

HEBA
at: Tuesday, March 16, 2010 said...

beuatifully written Salma. I can imagine you in that shoe store, and up on that podium.

I miss Hussein too.

The Sole Sisters Collective says:
at: Tuesday, March 16, 2010 said...

Elspeth~ I definitely see my SMs differently after this post, LOL.

Heba~ Thanks sis.

Colette S says:
at: Tuesday, March 16, 2010 said...

Wow. A well-worth reading story.

Congratulations. You do inspire me! I myself want to go back to college and get my degree but wonder how it will be done with two...and wanting more.

My condolences to you too. *HUGS*

The Sole Sisters Collective says:
at: Wednesday, March 17, 2010 said...

Thanks so much, all I think about is the fact that my girls saw me do it, and they saw a bit of the struggle.

You can do it, and you will.

American Muslima Writer says:
at: Wednesday, March 17, 2010 said...

I love the theme and topics of your blog. Masha'Allah.

Alhamdulillah Hussain is viewing Jannah and is at peace. Alhamdulillah you got through this great trial and give us all encouragement to get through ours.

Thank you for this touching story.
It means a lot to me.

The Sole Sisters Collective says:
at: Wednesday, March 17, 2010 said...

Thanks sis, I am happy that I wrote this down.

Anonymous
at: Tuesday, March 23, 2010 said...

What a beautiful story. I enjoyed learning more about your past. Plus I had never heard of SMs before now.

The Sole Sisters Collective says:
at: Monday, March 29, 2010 said...

Kelly,I felt kind of weird writing about it and hubby read it and then I don't know it was just overwhelming putting it out there. Then I just let go...here I am ...all of me and my SMs LOL.


Copyright 2010 The Sole Sisters Collective Blog & its contributors. All photos belong to the contributors, unless otherwise stated.

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